The Muffin Turtle of Insanity
by Neogami
Summary: Seras finds a purple turtle and takes it to her room, where it poops out muffins...and Pip eats one when Seras tries to hide the turtle from him. Beware: OOCness. Oh, and nudity. You have been warned.
1. Pip's Insanity

Hi, this is Neogami! Um...about this...I'd had a _really_ long day and I just needed to take out my silliness somewhere so I thought, 'Hey? Why not write a completely outrageous fanfiction where all the characters are completely out of character? Yay!' Well...maybe not _exactly_ that thought, but pretty much the same. So, enjoy, errr...that is, if you like complete randomness and out of characterness... -smile-

Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, or anything else in this Fanfiction. Except maybe the turtle... -devious smile-

Seras was walking through the Hellsing mansion after target practice when she suddenly tripped over something.

"Gah! What the..?" she said as she looked around to see a small, purple turtle. She smiled and it opened it's mouth to say,

"Sqwak!" Seras gave it a funny look and sat up.

"Hmmm...I can't just leave a purple turtle out here...I'll take you to my room! Where I'll feed you and pet you and love you!" she said, beaming with joy. So she took the turtle and hid it in her shirt as she sneakily snuck into her room. She laid the little turtle on her coffin and said,

"What, in the world, will I name you?" at this, the turtle gave another 'sqwak' and she smiled, yet again.

"I got it! I'll name you--" she was cut off by a gurgling sound and a blue muffin fell from the turtle's...urr...butt onto the floor. "Uhhh...well, I was going to name you 'Polly' but I guess muffin will work, too..." Then, there was another gurgling sound and three more muffins fell to the floor, green, pink, and chocolate chip. There was a knock at the door and Seras quickly threw the turtle into her coffin, ran up to the door, and opened it to see Captain Bernedette.

"Hey, Seras what's--" There was a gurgling sound coming from her coffin. Seras turned a bright red when Pip gave her a wierd look and strolled right into her room. He stepped on a muffin and looked at Seras oddly.

"You been making muffins in here?" he said. Seras looked at her coffin, then back to Pip.

"Y-Yes. Yes, I have. That noise you heard was a...an Easy-bake oven...um...in my...coffin." She said, trying to get a smile on her face.

"You're joking. Those things need electricity to work!" he exclaimed. She shifted her feet and looked at the ground, and in doing so, realized when Pip was lifting up her coffin door that it was a bad move. So she went to 'Plan B'.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY COFFIN OR I WILL SKIN YOU ALIVE!" she screamed, bolting over to him and slamming the door down, causing Muffin to let out a loud 'sqwak' and, yet, another gurgling sound was heard. Pip gave Seras a devious look and picked up the green muffin from off the floor.

"Well, if this is from an Easy-bake oven, I should be fine when I eat it, no?" he said, smirking evilly. Seras opened her mouth to yell at him again but was too late. He had taken a massive bite out of the muffin. He immidiately fell on the floor and wriggled around as if he was having a siezure. Then, he stopped and looked up at Seras with a purple eye, which was once green. He smiled and said,

"Hallelujah to the Easter Bunny! Exscuse me while I get the video tapes out of the oven, they're getting quite cold!" Then he ripped off all his clothes and ran out of Seras's room with only a pair of palm-tree boxers to cover himself.

"Ohhhhh, no..." She said, bolting after him.

Pip was running past maids yelling things like, "IS THAT A BROOM OR IS THAT JUST ME?" or, "Nice dress, I believe I saw one just like it over at the STUPID-LOOKING-DRESS STORE!" He was bolting down the corridors, knocking valuable things over and occasionally humping a doorknob or two.

"Mr. Bernedette! What, in heaven's name, are you doing?" exclaimed Walter, as Pip was in the middle of rubbing his butt on a vase, "I just cleaned that, you twit! And, get some clothes on!" Pip ran over to Walter with a devious smile on his face and said,

"You need to get that large tumor, that's shaped like a nose in the middle of your head looked at, GEEZER-MAN!" At this he slapped Walter on the behind and raced off. Now, both Walter and Seras were hunting after Pip, one angry, one worried. After he had thought he lost Seras and Walter, Pip strolled right into Sir Hellsing's office. Integra looked up for a second, then, looked back in surprise at Pip in his boxers.

"Captain Bernedette, why, the _hell_ are you walking into my office without your clothes on?" She exclaimed, giving Pip a 'WTF' look.

"Boss, I just wanted to say...even if you look like a man, I still LOVE YOUUU!" Pip said, glomping Integra and starting to hump her leg.

"Oh my _GOD_! BERNEDETTE, GET THE _HELL_ OFFA ME!" Integra screeched floundering about wildly. Pip just kept on humping her leg, like nothing was wrong with it. Integra finally stood up and said,

"That's it. I've had about enough!" she took a deep breath, "AAAAAAALUUUUUUUCAAAAAAARRRRRRRD!"

Alucard was strolling about the corridors when he heard his name being screeched.

"Uh-oh..." he said as he quickly melted through the walls. He had finally reached Integra's office when he walked right into it, Jackall raised. He lowered his gun as he caught sight of Integra at her desk, calmly filing papers and signing this and that.

"Uhmmm...did you call me, Master..?" He said with a slightly confused look on his face. Integra looked up, motioned for him to come over, and he obeyed. When he got to her desk he said,

"What did you want?" Integra rolled her eyes and walked to the outside of her desk, Pip still goin' to town with her leg.

"...The _HELL_?" was all Alucard said as he pulled out his gigantic pistol a second time. Pip looked at the gun in his face and smiled. He got off of Integra's now wet leg, which she and Alucard made a disgusted face at, and started making vulgar pelvic thrusts at Alucard.

"C'mere, sexy man!" Pip kept repeating as he thrusted his crotchal region at Alucard, while Integra was making gagging noises.

"I think I'll pass on that, now put on some clothes and get out." Alucard said coolly. Pip smirked at him.

"Rejecting the hot stuff before you even _see_ it? M-mm, can't let you do that, Big Red." Pip said. Then he dropped the remaining clothing he had on and threw it onto Sir Hellsing's desk. Yes, you read me correctly. Pip took off his palm-tree boxers and threw them onto Integra's desk. He was butt-naked. Alucard's gun dropped to the floor, along with Integra's mouth. Pip continued the pelvic thrusts at Alucard, whilst Alucard, picked up his gun and RAN LIKE A BAT OUT OF_ HELL._ Pip chased him around the office a few times before Alucard, coming to his senses, started shooting at him. Pip just kept on frolicing after him like nothing was going on yelling things at Alucard like, "Come here, baby!" and, "You know you wanna _ride_ my _pony!_" Alucard was just about to turn around and attempt to rip it off(A/N: Yeah, you know what _it_ is. :D) when Seras and Walter came bursting in.

"Ah! Tumor man and Little Miss Tits! Big Red and I are in the middle of something, so could you come back later?" Pip said, still running after Alucard, all bare. Walter had in his hand a sheet of paper and Seras had in her's...a green muffin, with a bite out of it.

Walter walked over to Integra's desk and placed the sheet of paper on top of the palm-tree boxers.

"Sir Integra, I have in my hand the results of a lab test on a green muffin. It seemed to have some sort of chemical in it that makes anyone who ingests it go insane. We haven't an antidote for this strange chemical so the best thing to do is go along with him until the effect wears off." he explained to Integra, "I tried to explain the chemical analysis to Miss Victoria, but she was lost at riboflavanoid.." Seras looked at the floor and blushed at this.

"You mean I have to _LET HIM HAVE HIS WAY WITH ME?"_ Alucard exclaimed, eyes wide as dinner plates, still racing away from Pip.

"You mean I have to let him _violate my leg? _Walter, that's insanity!" Integra exclaimed, glancing at the shocked Seras, who was staring at the nude Pip frolicing after her Master. Walter sighed and said,

"The effect would probably wear off faster if we did...let's just hope Mr. Bernedette won't do something he'll regret.."

"And where exactly did this muffin come from, Walter?" asked Integra, a confused look on her face. Walter gave the same look to Seras.

"That was my question exactly, Miss Victoria. Where _did_ this mysterious muffin come from?" Walter asked Seras, who's eyes seemed to widen a bit.

"Well..you see...um...we..we were...walking back from..target practice when...um...this...this muffin was on the..um...ground and...and...Pip picked it up and...he...he ate it...I-I tried to stop him but he wouldn't listen!" Seras said, eyes darting from Integra's intense stare, to Walter's suspicious look, to the ground. Integra and Walter exchanged looks and Integra said,

"...Alright, Officer Victoria. Thank you for trying to stop him." Walter mouthed to Alucard 'Go along with him.' and Alucard hesitated, but quit running and stood facing Pip with the most loathful look he could muster. Then, he opened his arms and said,

"T-Take me, Pip...I'm..I'm all yours..." Pip danced with glee and took Alucard into his embrace.

"I _knew_ you wanted to go the...'Pip' way!" He said, just before he lifted Alucard from the ground, bridal-style.

"What the--?" Alucard said. Integra's eyes widened and her glare turned from Pip to Walter. Walter sweatdropped and said,

"Umm...did I forget that the chemical allows the...victim...abnormally large amounts strength?" Integra gave him a 'no, duh' look and put her head in her hands.

"Oh, this is going to be a trip..." She said as Pip carried Alucard out of the room, joyfully, to have his way with him (A/N: -snicker-.).

A few hours passed. All was quiet. Seras passed by Pip's room every 15 minutes, to see if they were okay. She'd put her ear to the door and hear...well, strange noises(A/N: NO, I'm not going to be very graphic. I have my limits. :) )coming from the room. She finally went back to her room and lied down in her coffin for a nap. She was slipping into unconciousness, fast. Then...she was on a beach...a light breeze tickled her face as she watched the sunset...she was lying in the lap of a muscular man, his arms around her waist...he planted a kiss on her cheek in which she reacted with a soft giggle...she turned her head behind her to see...Pip? Woah, now...back up! She hardly had any time to think before she found herself leaning into a kiss, but...she didn't seem to want to stop. Closer...closer, they were getting. And then...Seras awoke to a loud noise that sounded similar to someone sawing a cat in half. She grabbed Pip's clothes and ran up the stairs, as fast as she could. When she finally got to the top stair, she wrenched open the door and she saw Pip, running around the mansion, screaming bloody murder...in a sheet.

"Ugh...I'm glad he finally came back to normal...It felt like he was violating me forever!" Seras turned to see her master stading next to her, a tired, miserable look on his face. Seras blushed at the thought of what Pip had been doing to her master. Then she came to her senses.

"So...um...I'm guessing he took it quite badly when he woke up?" Seras replied.

"Pretty much...hey, what are you laughing at, Police Girl?" he said as he noticed Seras giggling, "Well?"

"It-It's just so...so funny! I really could never imagine you..or Pip doing...that...to another guy...let alone each other! Hee-hee!" then, Seras burst out laughing.

"You--I--Like I had a choice or anything!" Alucard said, his face flushing a dark shade of red. She smiled at him, then walked over to Pip, who was on the floor, curled in a ball, covered by only a sheet.

"Do you need something, Captain Bernedette?" Seras said, trying not to laugh as she handed him his clothes. He looked up at her with his green eye and took them from her, an extremely frightened look on his face.

"Th-Thank you, S-Seras..." he said as he went underneath his sheet to put on his clothes. Seras smiled and said,

"In case you're wondering where your underwear is, you left it in Sir Hellsing's office." Pip came out from under the sheet, fully clothed, with a devilish look on his face, and said,

"So you say I left 'em in Sir Hellsing's office? Hmm, hmm, hmm...what _was_ I doing in _there_? Or should I say..._who_ was I doing? Oh, well. I don't normally wear underwear anyways. She can keep 'em as a...a souvenier. _Dang_, I did Sir Hellsing! I bet you're jealous, Big Red!" Pip said, turning to Alucard, who rolled his eyes. Then, Integra came strolling down the stairs to where they were. She walked over to Captain Bernedette and said,

"I'm guessing you're back to your usual self now, Captain Bernedette?" Pip smirked devilishly and said, smacking Integra's behind,

"You bet, babe." Integra glared angrily at him, then procceded to beat the crap out of Pip. Seras and Alucard watching her, laughing their butts off. While they were laughing, a certain little purple turtle walked past them, and into the kitchen...

See? _See? _SEE? I told you it was really out of character! But, I did the best I could to keep them in character, please forgive me if I did a poor job. v.v So, how did you like it? Was it funny? Was it stupid? Did you think it was a waste of time? Did you get a kick out of it? Could you understand it? Have you not noticed I like muffins? WELL? -Ahem- 'Scuse me, I've had one to many glasses of tea with too much sugar in it. Well, tell me if you liked it or not! -smile- I might make another chapter, if I feel like it...or if anyone likes it. :D Well, that's that! Sayonara...for now. -devious grin-


	2. Not the Butler!

Neogami, here! 'Sup? Haha...2nd chapter...whoo! I'm sorry for not updating in so long, so I'm making it up by making this chapter nice and long! Yeah, more randomness and OOCness! But, this time, Walter's the victim! -maniacal laugh-

Seras: Uh-oh...I don't like the sound of that...

Integra: I suppose I'm after Walter, then? Since neither Seras or Alucard can eat, anyways..

Neogami: Actually, Alucard is after Walter. Then you.

Integra: -gives Neogami wierd look-

Neogami: You'll see...hehe...

Alucard: Urgh...

Walter: Aheh...Well, Miss Neogami doesn't own anything or anyone in this fic except for the turtle. -nervous smile-

Neogami: -In a Super Mario-ish voice- Here we goo!

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Chapter 2: Not the Butler!

Seras ran throughout the mansion, searching everywhere for Muffin. She was bent over, digging through a closet when her master's head popped out of the wall, a sadistic grin on his face, as always.

"What are you looking for, Police Girl?" Alucard said in a demonic voice, which made Seras shriek and fall flat on her butt. Alucard let out a maniacal laugh.

"M-Master, you shouldn't scare me like that!" Seras yelled, glaring angrily at him. He smirked at her and helped her up.

"So, what _are_ you looking for?" He asked. At that, Seras broke eye contact and seemed absorbed with her feet.

_'Oh, crap! What do I tell him that...Oh, would you look at all that disgusting dirt on my boots! What a sh...That's it! I'll tell him I'm looking for--'_

"Shoe polish? You're joking, right?" Alucard said, interrupting her train of thought. "Look, if you tell me what you're looking for, I'll, more than likely, be able to find it for you."

"And how do you figure that?" Seras said, not really realizing what she said. Alucard rolled his eyes and said,

"Well, let's see, I can _go through walls..._I can _fly..._I know _every_ inch of this house--"

"Alright, alright, I get your point, now go away!" Seras interrupted. Alucard lifted his eyebrow to this.

"Well...aren't we miss _rude_ today! Is it PMS?"

"GO AWAY!"

"Alright, fine. Gosh, you try to help some people and what do they do? Yell at you! I was just trying to help her and she yells at me! Just tosses me aside like some...some...old newspaper or--"

"With all due respect, master, are you _quite_ finished?" Seras said.

"Only when you let me help you. Oh, the misery! Why is the world such a cruel place? Has kindness just flown out the window? Well, has it?" He kept going on. Seras rolled her eyes.

_'Gosh, he's so annoying! If he wants to help me find Muffin that bad why doesn't he just _order_ me to--'_

"Okay, then, Police Girl. I _order_ you to let me aid you in your search for this 'Muffin'. Is that a pet name for Captain Bernedette? I didn't know you two were that way...If so, I saw him in the kitchen not too long ago, along with Walter. 'Muffin' eats like a _pig_, I swear.." Alucard, yet again, interrupted Seras in her train of thought. Seras grumbled, but headed toward the kitchen to find Pip, followed by Alucard. She peeked her head into the kitchen to check for Muffin, and only found Walter, about to take Sir Integra her tea.

"Oh, hello, Walter!" Seras said, as cheerfully as she could, with Alucard trailing behind her like some lost puppy following her home.

"Good Evening, Miss Victoria! Are you looking or something?" Walter replied, seeing Seras glance through the kitchen. When she realised what Walter had just said, she snapped back into reality and stated,

"Oh, no I'm just--"

"She's looking for 'Muffin'." Alucard interrupted her with a devilish smirk. Walter's eyebrow lifted when he heard this.

"'Muffin'?" He asked with a puzzled look on his face.

"No one. No one at a--"

"Pet name for Captain Bernedette. Probably something naughty." Alucard laughed. Walter blushed a little. Seras's face turned bright red. She faced her master with the most loathful glare she could muster and said,

"It's not anything naughty, you perverted git!" Alucard rolled his eyes and said,

"Is that _really_ the meanest look you can come up with? Police Girl, that's just pitifu--"

"Who's got naughty pet names for me? I know I heard my name and 'pet name' and 'naughty'." Pip said, walking out from a corner with a gargantuan ham and cheese sandwich. He was out of uniform, wearing baggy blue jeans with a rip in the knees(Hey, that kinda RHYMED! XD) and a Lime green t-shirt that said on it 'Limp Bizkit'. He leaned against a wall, looking Seras up and down. Seras let out a sigh of relief and said,

"Oh, there you are Captai--I mean...Muffin." Pip stood up strait, looked behind himself, then back at Seras. He questioned, with his mouth full of food and a surprised look on his face,

"You mean me?"

"Yes, I mean _you_, you barmy frenchman!"

"Oh. You called me 'Muffin'..."

"Yes, I did. So?"

"..."

"_So?_"

"Does this mean I get to spank you?"

"NO!"

"Darn...It was worth a shot."

Seras felt her master's eyes upon her at that moment. She sensed he knew that Pip wasn't the mysterious 'Muffin' they had been looking for. The glare she had on her face was wiped off instantly as Alucard said,

"You're hiding something from me. What is it?"

She was frozen.

_'Oh CRAP.'_ She thought. _'Crappity CRAP.'_ She regained her composure and said, not facing him, "What reason would I have to hide anything from you, master?" She felt his intense glare on her. She gulped and cowered a little. Hoping to find a way out of the present situation, she turned to where Walter stood to ask him how the weather was, but he had already gone to give Master Hellsing her tea. _'Oh, no..._' Her head whirled and, without warning, fainted. Or so she was trying to lead them to believe. She felt Alucard's glare once more, he was trying to pry into her thoughts again. This time she wouldn't let him. She wouldn't let him go into business which wasn't his. So, to keep him from doing that, she let out the loudest shriek her undead lungs would allow her. Pip dropped his sandwhich, covered his ears and ran out of the kitchen. Alucard winced and covered his ears still slightly glaring at Seras.

"Master...fucking...stay...out of...my fucking thoughts..." Alucard glared one last dagger, and strode out of the kitchen to bother the frenchman. _'YES! I did it! I got finally Master Alucard out of my mind! I feel great. Now to find Muffin..'_

**Now to see what Walter's up to...**

Walter walked down the halls of the Hellsing masion until he came to Integra's office door. He knocked on it softly and entered when he heard an agitated "...Come in."

"Your tea, Sir Hellsing." Integra looked up from her desk and sighed in relief.

"Thank you, Walter." She said. She had been going through all the damge Pip had cause when he had eaten the muffin from hell. It was alot, and to fix it was...alot. She lifted an eyebrow when she noticed a blueberry muffin(You know whose that is. XD) lying on the silver tray next to her tea. "Walter, what's with the muffin?" Walter looked in surprise at the muffin on the tray.

"Good heavens, I didn't even notice that. I'll take it back if you'd like.."

"No, Walter, it's quite alright. Why don't you eat it? Have a snack.." Integra said, handing Walter the muffin. He smiled and said,

"Thank you, Sir Integra." Walter took the muffin and exited the room, leaving Integra to her work. He looked at the muffin. It didn't look too suspicious...he was being cautious about his foods since the..."Pip" incident. He didn't want to end up doing something he'd regret. He walked back into the kitchen to find Seras bent over, looking in one of the cabinets for an unidentified something.

"My word, Miss Victoria, what are you looking for?" he said, trying to keep himself from gazing at Seras's voluptuous posterior, which was sticking right out because she was digging through a cabinet.

"Nothing, Walter.." She replied. Alucard fazed into the kitchen to bother Seras some more, and saw a sight that even Integra might have chuckled at. Walter's eyes were frantically looking around the room for something to focus on, but seemed to go right back to Seras's bum in the air. He let out a laugh and Walter looked at him in relief.

"Hello, Alucard." Walter said.

"Hey, Walter. You weren't staring at the Police Girl's arse, now were you?" Alucard said, holding back laughter. Walter's face turned light pink and he looked at the floor. Seras came out of the cabinet(Haha...that almost sounded like...oh, nevermind, you know what it is..) and blushed.

"Haha, Don't worry, Walter. I stare at it alot, too." Pip said, putting his hand on Walter's shoulder as he walked into the kitchen.

"I..uh..." Walter said, and took a bite out of the muffin, without even noticing it. Then, all of a sudden he fell onto the floor. Seras, Pip, and even Alucard let out a gasp of surprise. Walter stood back up and said,

"YOWZA! I FEEL LIKE DISCO DANCING! WHO WANTS TO JOIN?" Seras slapped herself in the face and mumbled an "Oh shit.." Alucard lifted an eyebrow to, not only Walter, but to what Seras said.

_'Police Girl, you have something to do with this, don't you?'_

_'I don't know what you're talking about, Master.'_

_'Yes you do. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Now fess up.'_

_'How can I fess up to something I didn't even do, Sherlock?'_

_'Don't get smart with me, young lady.'_

_'I'm soooo sorry, _DaddyThought Seras, emphasizing 'Daddy' as if it were going to insult him.

_'Normally, I wouldn't mind you calling me 'Daddy' but we're in a pretty shitty situatio--'_ Alucard was cut off in mid...telepathy when Walter glomped him, pinned him on the ground, and started kissing him passionately.

"Walter, get o--" Alucard tried to push him off without throwing him across the room, but failed horribly. _'Seras...get Walter off me.'_

_'Oh, NOW you need me.'_

_'Just get him off! NOW, before he...HE'S PUTTING HIS HANDS IN PLACES THEY SHOULDN'T BE GOING.'_ Pip was on the ground, holding his sides, laughing his ass off._ 'SEEERAAASSS! GET HIM OFF!'_

_'What's the magic word?'_

_'...Exscuse me?'_

_'The magic word.'_

_'Police Girl, do it or else, I'll--' _Alucard's eye widened in horror as Walter whispered seductively into his ear,

"Let's have sex." Alucard tried to get Walter off, but failed..again.

"SERAS! PLEASE, FOR ALL THAT IS SACRED, GET WALTER OFF OF MEEEEEE!" Seras smiled and proceeded to pull

Walter with all her might. Pip stopped laughing long enough to help. Walter held on to Alucard like there was no tommorow, and he was pretty damn strong for his age, but the three of them succesfully pulled him off, Alucard pushing.

Walter threw himself on the floor in front of Alucard, sobbing. Alucard got up and backed up as far away from him as possible without fazing through the wall. He tried to jump back onto Alucard, but Seras and Pip held him back. Alucard's face was horror stricken, and he said to himself,

"Why is it always me?"

**Meanwhile..**

Integra was working quietly, when she heard Alucard screaming for help. Something about 'sacred' and 'Walter'. But she heard a 'please' and she _knew_ something was wrong. She hesitantly got up from her desk and walked swiftly, following the noises she was hearing to the kitchen where she found Pip and Seras holding back a Walter who was sobbing and obviously trying to get to Alucard, who looked like he had been violated...again. She slowly walked towards Walter and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Walter..are you alright?" Walter suddenly stopped trying to get to Alucard and slowly looked up at Integra. Pip and Seras loosened their grip since Walter had calmed down. Bad move. When he saw Integra, his eyes filled with passion, and he jumped out of Seras's and Pip's grip and swept Integra off her feet, bridal style. Then he ran out of the kitchen throwing things behind him to distract Seras, Pip, and Alucard. Alucard ran after him, then--SQUISH. He stepped on the muffin Walter had taken a bite out of. He frowned when he realized what had caused Walter's behavior. Seras and Pip were going to run after Walter, when Alucard grabbed them both by their shirts and pulled them back.

"You two...are going to tell me _everything_ you know about this, or else..." Alucard said in the gravest, most intimidating voice he could do. Seras and Pip both gulped in fear and nodded their heads, making Alucard smirk triumphantly.

"Sh-Shouldn't we be going after Sir Hellsing..?" Stuttered Pip, making Alucard glare at him.

"She can handle herself against Walter for a while..should it really take that long to tell me all you know?" Alucard said, raising an eyebrow. Seras looked at Pip and said, hesitantly,

"Know your enemy...I guess..?" Alucard smirked and dragged the two of them off.

**With Integra..**

"Walter, I demand you put me down at once!" Exclaimed Integra, trying to squirm out of Walter's surprisingly firm grip. Integra gave him her best 'I'm sooooo going to kill you' glare, but he didn't even look at her. He just kept his head up, sprinting up the stairs and into Integra's room.

_'This can't be good...'_ Integra thought as Walter headed over to the bed. She started beating his chest with her fists, hoping he'd drop her so she could make a run for it.

_'Bloody hell, his chest is hard!'_ she thought. Walter smiled and placed her on the bed carefully.

_'Finally, time to get the hell o--OH, HELL NO..'_ She said as he tackled her on her bed and started kissing her neck. She tried to push him off, but, yet again, she failed in doing so. She frantically looked around the room to pry him off when, she spotted it. She had left a glass of water on her nightstand that, surprisingly, Walter hadn't gotten to. She reached out her hand to grab it..

_'Shit. If only I could move a little..'_ She tried to scoot a little when Walter said to her,

"I'm not going to let you get away from me.." She glared, but then that dissappeared and said,

"Nonsense..I was...I was just trying to get a glass of water...you're making me.." The words tasted so sour, I mean, it's..._Walter_. "..awfully...hot..darling.." she twitched when she said it, because Walter let out a low, sensual growl that made her want to beat him even more than she already did. He loosened his grip so she could scoot to get her glass. She reached for the glass, not taking her eyes off Walter, and hit him in the face with what was really...a lamp.

_'Urgh...I liked that lamp, too..'_ She punched his nose, pushed him off, and dashed out of the room, not looking back.

**Meanwhile(So many meanwhiles...I need a new word! D: )...**

"..And so...that's how that happened.." Said Seras, as she finished explaining about Muffin. Pip had fallen asleep as Seras was talking, and was snoring rather loudly.

"...Well...that's wha--" Alucard was interrupted by an extremely loud snore. He glared evilly in Pip's direction and Seras nudged him to wake up.

"Wh-Who's your daddy..?" Pip said sleepily as he was being awoken. "Are you done explaining yet? You really.." Pip yawned, "...dragged it out.." Seras rolled her eyes. Alucard smirked.

"So...if you think about it...it's all your fault for me being violated, Police Girl." Seras blinked.

"S-So it would seem. I'm really sorry...ca-can I make it u-up to you?" she stuttered. She knew what was coming. Alucard smirked and said,

"Yes...yes, you can." Seras twitched. He looked her body up and down, a lustful look in his eyes. She looked away from him and noticed Pip glaring daggers at her master.

"You gonna ask her to do something _dirty?_" Pip said with a hint of jealousy and coldness in his voice. Seras looked at the ground and shuffled her feet. She didn't want her master do ask her to do something dirty. Hell, she didn't want _anyone_ to ask her to do something dirty, period. Alucard said,

"What did you have in mind, Captain Bernedette?" Pip glared even sharper daggers at him and trudged out of the room, leaving Seras and Alucard alone. Seras didn't look at him. She seemed to be absorbed with her feet again. Alucard looked at the ceiling, obviously thinking of something for Seras to do. Then, she thought of it.

"Hey, I shouldn't owe you anything, because I got walter off of you!" She smirked.

"Yeah, after I _begged_ you to, and plus, that was only _once_. I got violated _two_ times." He said. Her smirk was wiped off her face. They sat in silence.

_'I have to get out of here...the akwardness is killing me! Well...I'm already dea...oh, nevermind! I'll just--'_

"Leave?" Seras was interrupted in mid-thought by her master, yet again.

"Dammit! Fucking stay out of my thoughts!" Seras yelled and got up to leave. Then she felt that sense of her doom coming ever so fast. She gulped and began to slowly make her way to the door. Alucard was glaring so hatefully at her now, she could just _feel_ it. "I-I'm sorry!" She squeaked, fearfully. Then she quickly dashed out of the room, leaving Alucard to himself.

_'You can't keep running away from me, Seras.' _he thought.

_'You can't keep being such a dick, Master.'_ This made him jump.

"..The fuck!" he exclaimed. He looked around the room for Seras. "...Damn..."

**Wiiith Pip...**

Pip sat sulking on a counter in the kitchen. Alucard would make her do something naughty and, chances are, she'd be enthusiastic about it. He munched on a cookie as he sat. Then, he noticed a muffin lying on the floor. Strawberry.

_'Ehh...what do I care? It's Just a muffin..'_ he thought. Then, Seras walked into the kitchen, a flustered look about her. Pip frowned.

"That was quick. So, what naughty things did you do, huh?" he said, coldly. Seras walked over and sat next to him on the counter.

"He didn't make me do _anything_ because I got my ass out of there before he could _do_ anything to me." She said. Pip was filled with relief with this.

"So...you don't...y'know...have a _crush_ on Alucard, or anything?" Seras blushed gave him a surprised look.

"Where did you get the idea I'd have a crush on him?"

"Well...you seem kind of..quiet around him all the time." He said, blushing a bit. She smiled.

"That's because he's very intimidating. I'm kind of scared of him. But.." she quieted a little, blushing, "Since we're...on the subject of crushes I..have to confess a little..something.." Pip blushed a light shade of pink. Him? Maybe..he was quite handsome. Walter? Nah, too old. _Sir Integra?_ Now, _there's_ something to listen to.

"See...while you were going crazy because of the muffin you ate...I had a dream..and..well..." She blushed. "..We sort of..ki--" She was cut off by a scream that sounded like Integra's.

**Integra's just having SO much fun..hehe...**

Sir Hellsing had been hiding in a broom closet in her office, and Walter hadn't found her...at least, not until now. Walter opened the closet door and jerked Integra out before she could jump back into the closet further. He held her close to him, and she felt something poke her. Something DOWN THERE.

"That had _better_ be your _belt buckle_, Walter.." She hissed. He smiled and said,

"It's anything you want it to be, babe." Then he pushed his face closer to hers, and she saw this and resisted.

_'I'm getting tired of this damn nonsense..'_ she thought and took in a deep breath.

"UAAAAAHHHHHHH! ALUUUUUUCAAAAAAAAARRRRD!"

**Meanwhile, with Alucard(Obviously..)**

He had been following around a maid with a long, brunette braid going down her back, who was trying her hardest to avoid his creepy leer, when..

"UAAAAAHHHHHHH! ALUUUUUUCAAAAAAAAARRRRD!" Which made him, and the maid, jump. The maid heard this and said,

"T-That sounded like Sir Hellsing...this place is bloody nuts!" Alucard rolled his eyes and said,

"Well, duh. You thought it was going to be normal here?" Then, he sped up the stairs. On the top stair he came to a hault and said,

"What the hell am I doing?" Then he _fazed_ into Integra's office to find Walter kissing Integra, who was kicking and punching Walter to no end, and Pip and Seras were trying to pry Walter's face from Integra's, as well as Walter's body from Integra's. Seras looked up and said,

"Took you long enough, Master!" Alucard glared at her, then went up and punched Walter, as hard as he could, in the head. Walter went flying across the room, and crashing out a window.

"OH, MY GOD, WALTER!" Seras screamed, and rushed over to the broken window. Integra glared at Alucard and smacked him upside the head.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL MY EMPLOYEES, YOU BLOODY GIT!" She yelled.

"It got him off, didn't it?" Alucard said, a glare on his face, as well. They all rushed to the window and saw Walter getting up and brushing himself off.

"Good heavens, why am I here?" he said, feeling all the scratches and gashes on his face and forehead.

"Walter, are you all right?" Integra yelled down to him. He looked up and yelled back,

"Yes, but I'm wondering why I'm down here.."

"I know why.." Alucard said, looking at Pip and Seras, who both looked at their feet. Integra looked from Alucard, to Pip, to Seras.

"You three have some explaining to do.." She said icily and sat down at her desk, motioning for them to get out, "After I've finished this damned paperwork." So, Seras and Pip walked out the door. Alucard smirked at Integra.

"So...we're alone...what to do..?" he said, twiddling his fingers, smirking at Integra, who put down her pen and glared icily at Alucard.

"Get the hell OUT, BLOODY MORON!" Then Alucard quickly fazed out of the room, leaving Integra to smile triumphantly at her paperwork. When she noticed something purple flash through the room and through the wall. She stared for a minute and said,

"I must be loosing my bloody mind.."

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Heh, more OOCness! So, did you like it? If so, yay! If not...well...you didn't have to read it. -smiles- But, I'm thinking of adding that maid as an OC for an extra muffin devouring, randomness loving, forced kissing person! If you think that's a good idea, tell me in your comment! So, this concludes the second chapter of TMTOI! Hope you enjoyed it! -Waves bye and buries face into pile of papers-


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